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By Joann Cedillo
Steven was born November 2, 1990. Having my first child was the greatest day of my life. He was always my baby even at 19 years old. Steven always thought of his dad and me before anyone else. He would go on field trips and family outings and if we gave him money for souvenirs he always bought things for us.
When Steven was two, I became pregnant for the second time. He always said this was his baby. He was so proud to have a little sister. Unfortunately, she died from SIDS at four months. Throughout his life he never got over this and always said could not wait to be with his sissy.
Steven was a very sensitive caring person. He was a helper. For the friends that didn't have a family like his, he would take them under his wing and always try to guide them in the right direction. When he loved someone or something it was total love. He was very deep and dedicated that way.
Steven did not like crowds. He would rather stay home and give out candy than go trick or treating. He loved the costumes though. His favorite holiday was Valentine's Day. (He was very romantic.) Birthdays were bigger than Christmas.
Steven's passion was music, especially digital music. He played the guitar and sang and even tried joining bands, but his dream was to write and produce music - behind the scenes.
On the day of December 6, 2009 we went to church as a family. Life seemed so good but at 5:00 that evening his dad went downstairs to find out that Steven had hung himself. Our lives have truly ended and will never be the same.
It has been over four years, and a day doesn't go by that I do not talk to him. He is on our mind always. My first year was hard because I was in a daze. The second year was harder, because the reality sank in.
Now we live every day one at a time with his help. I truly believe he pushes us and walks with us. When we need him the most he is here. I know that he would not have done this if he knew the consequences that followed. He would have never intentionally hurt us.
I also would not be where I am without my POS/FFOS (Parents of Suicide/Friends and Family of Suicide). This group has helped me sort through my life and stay on track. It is a place where you do not have to wear a mask and pretend it doesn't hurt daily.
We have all become such good friends that we can speak honestly due to the fact that we are all experiencing the same things - this pain with no answers. All the unanswered questions of why? We go over our stories again and again and each time, helping one another. We love our son and miss him daily.
Author's Note: Joe and Joann Cedillo are Steven's parents.
The GRief After Suicide Support (GRASS) group first met on Dec. 1, 2005 and has met continuously since then.
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